You got a cute baby basketball bump that looked super sweet as long as you wore leggings and a smile. Then you had the baby and came home wearing your old jeans. Once the baby was home there were a few months of waking up at night, but then the baby would start sleeping well. Once that happened the sweet little babe, (who always smells like baby powder) would wake you up each morning with sweet baby babbling while she played with dollys in her crib. Then you would get the kids up (I wanted 6 of course) and dress them in the cutest matching outfits and head out for a day of shopping. You would buy AMAZING decor for your AMAZINGLY well decorated AMAZING home in a sweet neighborhood where your neighbors stopped by to chat and borrow eggs. Then you would come home, let the kids nap (they put themselves down of course) and then you would watch Grey's Anatomy in your perfectly sparkling living room. Of course you would have to then make a wonderful healthy dinner and eat as a family...at the table...and have a nice conversation. Followed by Family Game night (oh how fun). Then after a long day, you would tuck those beautifully clean babies (all in the cutest handmade matching pajamas) back into there beds, where they would stay until morning. When they would wake up to the smell of freshly baked bread and bacon cooking....WELL you get the idea.
I was TERRIBLY un-informed:)
Nobody told me that pregnant REALLY looked like THIS...
I can honestly say that I had NO idea what it would REALLY be like to try to get a kid to sleep in their own bed. OR that the job would continue WELL past the first few months and then YEARS of their lives.
And babies are sooo demanding. THEY want to take everything from you. Your sleep, your pride, your waistline....and THEN they still wanna eat your yogurt. They are like little mini thieves. They follow you everywhere you go and then want EVERYTHING you have. Even if you feed them....Even if you feed them A LOT!!! They will still steal every crust of bread RIGHT out of your mouth.
They call it borrowing. Yeah right. We know how they borrow. The last thing they borrowed was my body for 9 months....AND WE KNOW THEY DID NOT RETURN THAT IN THE SAME CONDITION THEY "borrowed" IT IN.
And did ANYONE else picture their kids ALWAYS looking like this (even if your husband is white)?????
And then you had kids and realized that they REALLY like to stay in their pajamas all day and spend much of their day looking something like this....
How is it that you and your baby are up TOGETHER all night. And yet in the morning when YOU feel like you downed a round of tequila shots and then got hit by a bus....
They seem fine????? Like maybe lack of sleep is THEIR super drug and YOUR kryptonite????
Somehow they have MORE energy. Like maybe while YOU were half asleep rocking endlessly in the rocking chair watching Season 2 of Gilmore Girls and wondering WHY Luke and Lorelai cannot just get together already....They were sneaking into the pantry for a little snack....????
I mean you really start to wonder if your kids secretly HATE you.
Like maybe it is all just an evil plot by the babies of the world to cause their mommys to have a mental breakdown and turn control over the planet to the kids.
It is a perfect plan. They rip out all of your hair, get you in a pair of spanks, and turn you into a mental case. They WIN!!! And REALLY...they could rule so efficiently....BECAUSE THEY NEVER SLEEP!!! How Clever!!!!
BUT Just when you think you will NEVER sleep again....
and like you should NEVER eat again...
and like you just might crawl under the bed and hide from your kids with the cat....
Something magical!!! Something that takes all of the craziness and makes it sound....WELL CRAZY.
Something happens that reminds you what it means to be A MOTHER.
Sometimes it just a big gummy smile. Or sometimes it is watching your babies first steps; with his arms held up in the air and his stiff little legs moving at MORPH speed. And sometimes....just sometimes it is a quiet moment.
A moment when sleep finally comes and your baby holds on to you for dear life. When they find that spot where they fit JUST right. Legs wrapped right around your waist. Arms tight around your neck. Fingers twisted up in your hair. And their soft little head right in that spot. You know...THE SPOT right between your shoulder and your chin. The Spot where they can nuzzle in and you can smell their sweet baby smell and hear their sweet baby noises. Nobody else gets that moment. That moment is pretty much ON RESERVE just for mommies. That moment is what makes the rest disappear.
And you can stop looking back to your happy, wedding, skinny, smiling, pretty hair pictures with envy and start remembering when your life REALLY began. When you stopped being a person and became A MOTHER.
When it STOPPED being about you. When THEY became the center of your universe and YOU became theirs. Of course they want to see you in the middle of the night. Hello---you are their universe!!!
SOOO nobody told me about the stretch marks and the contractions, but they also forgot to mention that you literally give away a piece of your heart the moment you hold that squishy little bundle.
You become a part of something BIGGER than you. Weird that something so small can do that.
So even though I still think that in my next life I would like to be a FATHER (mostly the same amount of good stuff, but with more sleep), I am SOOOO glad I get to hang out with my two MINIS. Because life was pretty fun when I was a size zero and could stay up all night doing Who Knows What with Who Knows Who and eat WHATEVER I WANTED!!! BUT somehow it just does not compare to watching my 3 year old sing JINGLE BELLS while ACTUALLY jingling bells with her pre-school class.
OR watching Thing One and Thing Two become friends.
I guess this is what growing up feels like!!!
I guess I should start being MORE thankful for the things that really matter and complain less about the stuff that doesn't.
I guess I need to remember that life has been pretty good to me and that there are much worse things in this world than NOT SLEEPING.
I guess I should get off this darn computer and get to bed. Because Soon....VERY SOON.... I will get the call. The little voice over the monitor asking for HIS UNIVERSE to come and get him and bring him into HER bed to snuggle. And perhaps I will get the OTHER call. The call from the side of the bed that wakes me from a dead sleep. The one from HER. The one where she wants to be part of the party too.
I guess what those people....you know the ones with all of the marital advice...should have told me on that day with the flowers and the cake. They should have given me the advice of all advice. The piece of advice that would SAVE marriage. The advice to save the world from being taken over by the little people. Here it is. Are you ready???? BUY A KING SIZE BED. Buy a KING sized bed and LET THEM COME!!!!